Endless Cycle

Hi, my name is Wendy and I’m headed home after a long day. There is a slight drizzle and I’m was feeling a tad bit annoyed. The bus took a much longer route to evade traffic but we found ourselves in a bigger mess. An accident, a tout fight and having to wait for another bus in a not so safe neighbourhood. I couldn’t believe my bad luck. One of the cold effects of capitalism is that I have to go back to school to upgrade my certificates if i want a promotion. So apart from working a 9-5, I have also enrolled for evening classes at a local University.

It was 10pm when I got home. A huge cockroach flew past me and in typical city girl fashion I let out a scream and ducked. I almost fell over the steps trying to avoid it. Once I gained composure, trying not to feel embarrassed and hoping nobody had seen me, something to my left caught my eye. Due to bad eyesight I had to squint a bit to make the shape of what was crouching on my balcony. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I was able to make the shape of a very small person. Curled up, legs to the chest and very much in deep sleep since they were snoring. When were homeless people allowed in the neighbourhood, I wondered. And why was he sleeping in the corner of my balcony. These security guards are clearly not doing their job.

Then I felt a bit scared, what if he woke up and attacked me. I knocked on the door with such urgency, my sister Flo opened up a few moments later slightly vexed. I motioned for her to come outside and pointed at the dark figure in the corner. She’s younger than me but more courageous so she walked towards the still heavily asleep figure. And inspected the writing on his back.

‘Riverwood Academy? This is a pupil!’

She whispered as she looked back at me in shock. What was a primary school student doing asleep outside in the rain. The pupil was even snoring as if oblivious that they were outside in the cold. Barely even aware of our presence. A little tap and she woke up rubbing her sore eyes. A she? We were shocked too. Like what happened? Your parents aren’t home yet so you have to wait for them? Had a little quarrel with mum and you ran away? What’s your name?

Heaven she said, her name is Heaven. But every other question was barely answered until we threatened to contact her head teacher. How did she end up outside? Quarrel with mum and she was chased away from the house. Can we take you back? No, not OK. She won’t open the door. I advised my sister Faith to go fetch the security guards since they knew everyone who lived there. Turns out Heaven lived a few blocks from us. Maybe they can get her mum to open the door for her. When we were left just the two of us, I asked if she’d eaten anything, she said the last meal she’d eaten was lunch at school. I went to the shop, bought some milk and cake and gave it to her. Within a few minutes they were all gobbled up.

Faith came back with the guards. They knew her. Of course they did. How could they not yet her mum was notorious for beating and locking her outside. She usually slept in the parking lot, underneath the cars till morning. Then she’d go back home if given the chance, bathe then head to school. If not, she’d just go to school hungry and dirty with yesterday’s clothes. Even the teachers in her school knew about her. What about the neighbours I ask? Of course they’re aware, but the mum has told them not to help. That she’s a problem child and can’t be saved. So by extention they do nothing. Heaven ain’t their burden anyway, they got their own kids to feed.

The guards said they’ll go talk to the mum. For the time being me and my sister kept her company. She was in Class eight and in a raspy voice proceeded to tell us what had happened. Mid term exams were ongoing and she’d gone to study at her friend’s house. She was late by half an hour and her mum refused to open the door. She had expected this and had noticed our balcony a while back while out playing so she waited it out, until when she felt everybody had settled in their houses and came to sleep.

The guards arrived shortly after with bad news. They requested we house her till morning as the mum had refused to even open the door. She had spoken to them through the grills of her gate and told them she didn’t care if she died. She’s ready to buy a casket. They come back in the morning with the police if they wanted to but her daughter wasn’t going to sleep in her house that night.

We welcomed her into our house which she willingly obliged as she quickly rose up, relieved to find warm shelter. We set up a small sleeping area. As me and siz called it a night too. Dawn breaked and I woke up to find my sister gone and our guest still asleep. She arrived shortly after with the neighbourhood Chairman and his VC. Heaven was called outside and I heard them talk. She was asked what marks she gets in school and she said 350 and above. A few chit-chat here and there and I was requested to accompany them to Heaven’s house since my siz was already late for work.

Into the Chairman’s car all four of us went. Heavens house was roughly 100metres from mine so in less than five minutes we were there. Her mum this time round opened the door and welcomed us in. She was preparing her two younger children for school and boy was she pissed. Straight off she started complaining.

“Heaven is my firstborn daughter but she has really disturbed me and her step dad. We’ve beaten her but she does not listen. There’s a big dining table over there, why pretend to go study at a friend’s house, arriving here at 7:30pm as if she pays rent. Her other sister studies there and passes her exams yet she’s younger than her. Kazi ya huyu ni kuranda randa tu na hio trouser yake moja. She never stays indoors. Her grades you ask? The most she’s ever brought home is 280 points out of 500. There’s a time even her stepdad offered to pay for her tuition but she took it for granted. You see in that spot you’re seated, there’s a time I beat her up, with a hammer to her head. She passed out on the floor near you and started convulsing. I thought she was dead but I took her to the hospital. I am tired of her, I want her gone. She should just die. She has been a pain ever since she was born. She doesn’t even appreciate the fact that she has a roof over her head and her fees is paid by a person who isn’t even her paternal dad.”

Me and the VC exchanged looks and he nodded his head slightly like, ‘si I had told you’. A few minutes earlier, before going to Heaven’s house. The VC has mentioned that one of her parents is a step since no biological parent could treat their child like that. Heaven confirmed this. Her mum had married a military man when she was seven. He came with his own child, a girl, slightly younger than her by two years. Her mum and stepdad have two boys together, both in kindergarten. But the dad doesn’t live with them. Heaven’s mum is the second wife and the dad lives with the first wife. The reason he took a second wife is because the first had refused to live with his daughter so the only solution was for him to remarry. So he’d rented for them a three bedroom house and he occasionally visits.

At first I was the only one on Heaven’s side. I saw a young child’s cry for help. The VC and Chairman were 50/50. Saying Heaven is the problem and a liar. That if she does what her mum says, she wouldn’t have been chased out. And how is it she discovered our balcony yet it is hidden. But after listening to her mum talk everything made sense. The constant beatings, the constant comparison to her step sister; which child could possibly thrive in such a situation. So we ask her if she could send heaven to live in the village. With her grandparents, relatives or biological dad.

“Me, I grew up in the village. I got pregnant when I was in high-school form one. You think I can find the dad? I don’t know where he is or where he went to. I’m an orphan, so I have no parents neither do I have siblings to take care of her. I work retail and my salary ain’t much. Alone I can’t even pay her fees. That’s why it surprises me when she doesn’t listen. This life we have now wouldn’t have been possible without the stepdad. We were living in Mukuru and she was studying in a public school. Now she has access to private school and she’s taking it for granted. You can leave with her and inform me when she dies. That’s the only time I can accept her. At one point she disturbed us so bad the dad said he’ll no longer pay fees or rent. Ask even my next door neighbour, she knows all about her.”

At this point the Chairman said the case is above him and he’s informed the chief. He was waiting for them at his quarters and they should leave. I was dropped home since I had to go to work and the VC said he’ll update me. I was actually shocked at how much a mum can hate her kid. My sister also informed me that Heaven had peed on herself while asleep. Signs of possible sexual abuse? But these claims she refuted. Nobody had ever touched her inappropriately. In typical middle class style, this event made waves the rest of the week. Neighbours became more friendly and we (my siz and i) were like the village heroes. I didn’t like the attention. I did what most would have done in that situation right?

It took a while for me to catch up with the VC but he told me the Chief really went off on the mum. He left no crumbs on the plate neither did he leave any stones unturned,

“In my life I’ve never met a more stupid woman than you. Ebu look at me. Yaani, you’d abandon your own blood just because a man came into the picture and offered you soft life? This child has really suffered under you and by law I’m supposed to arrest you but I’m thinking who’ll take care of your other kids. Definitely not your husband. I understand you went through pain and suffering as a child but why should your kid pay for it. Your projecting your pain instead of healing. Do you want your kid to end up like you? Bitter and settling for a man for material gains. How can you beat your own flesh and blood with a hammer then brag about it. How do you think she feels when you tell her you want her in a casket? When you compare her to the step child? You provide a hostile environment and you expect your kid to pass exams. I could even slap you right now. She is not the cause of your pain you hear me. When you leave here this is what I expect you to do. You’ll go home and buy her new clothes. She’s complained she only has one outfit. You’ll buy her new uniform for school too. Everyday, she needs her three meals. The snacks you buy for her other siblings she’ll eat too. Which mother hides food anyway? And if I ever hear that she’s slept out again? That she’s been flogged? I’ll personally arrest you. And I’ll make sure you go in for life. You think your husband just because he’s in the military will stand up for you? A man willing to also give up his child to please his first wife? Nope, he’ll just look for another wife to take care of his kids. I understand your childhood, that you grew up with no love. But instead of enabling it, you should break that cycle. You are the child’s first love. There’s nothing precious like a mother’s love yet you are offering it to your kids conditionally, where else do you want them to find love. Out there? Be better!”

The chief chewed her up and left no bones. Ended the sermon by telling her to seek therapy instead of releasing her anger on a fourteen year old. Heaven was advised to study hard, finish school and get a good job. The Chief promised to check on her regularly. Word started going round that indeed Heaven’s mom is actually a well known child abuser. Before living in an own compound house she used to stay in an apartment. She at first let out her frustrations on her husband’s daughter. You know the one who came with the dad. She used to beat her and lock her out of the house till the husband heard of it and put a stop to the abuse by threatening that he’ll no longer pay rent or feed her. Notice the lie? How she blamed her child. So since she couldn’t pour out her anger on the step child she turned to her own daughter. Apparently Heaven was doing quite well in school before all the mistreatment started.

I actually loved the outcome. I think us finding her sleeping outside was a blessing in disguise. Her voice was finally heard. I still do meet them regularly, neither Heaven nor her mom say hi, they just pass us. Neighbours complain that she should have at least given us a token of appreciation for housing her daughter. But what people do not realise is that abusers don’t like being confronted. Anybody who doesn’t support her is the enemy. She probably wishes to whoop my ass but notices I’m a grown up who can’t be bullied and I’d probably do the whooping. Heaven has gained quite a bit of weight and she seems happier. She also has new clothes which actually look good. Ever heard the phrase ‘Hurt People, Hurt People’? This is a perfect example ain’t it? Plus it’s easy to tell a person go to therapy, heal your inner child. But people won’t tell you how to start reparenting your inner child. That therapy only works if a person is aware of their toxic patterns and behaviors and is willing to work on it and also they’re making a conscious effort to work on healthy habits. A parent is a kids first love, so if they equate love to violence, then this becomes the love they’ll chase after and they’ll be stuck in an endless cycle.

Mother wounds usually start showing when we start dating. Especially when one has a very critical mum prone to emotional outbursts. The child will thus chase after emotionally unavailable partners seeking validation and love from them. In the case of Heaven here, she might even go for a physically abusive person, and view his violence as love because that’s what she was used to. It does take a lot of restructuring and shadow work to get rid of these beliefs. And I will not shy away from saying some parents are not worthy of their kids. At first I thought my core wounds was abandonment. Turns out after years of both sexual and emotional abuse, I lacked self love. I didn’t believe neither did I value myself. And I also realised that I’m am responsible for my own healing. Whatever happened happened but how I deal with that trauma is up to me. I also remembered a certain case. I was in class 8 heading to school and my neighbour had found a little boy, crawled underneath her mango tree hiding from someone. Turns out he had run away from home, for over 4km. Without a sweater on a very cold morning since his mum wanted to flog him. Reason being, he’d broken her favorite mug! What mum’s don’t know is the kind of love they give their kids, is the kind they’ll will seek in their adulthood. Wanna hear now about father wounds?