They Call it Banter

‘Guys jana nilikuwa na siku refu. So I decide to give an older gent a chance. He insists I tell him where I want to be taken for a date. First red flag because they use this to gauge where to financially put you. So I pick a coffee house with really fair prizes in the heart of CBD. It’s after work and I’m tired and definitely not in the mood for anything fancy. The whole time it’s him talking his rags to riches story. The waiter comes takes our order. I choose a caramel milkshake with a blueberry cake he opts for ‘dawa’. At this point I’m super bored. He’s talking about his wealth whole time he has dusty shoes on. He was bragging but his overall look and words don’t match.

Then I notice he’s controlling. He tells me he expects me to always be near my phone when he calls. And I’m like with this phone that I bought with my own money and buy my own airtime you want to police it? Anyway the night carries on and the bill comes. Its slightly over 1500 shillings. I don’t pay attention as I’m busy applying my gloss ready to go home. Then in the corner of my eyes I see him fumbling with his pockets. I’m like kwani what’s up? You’ve lost your car keys? He tells me he only came to the date with 1k. If I could please top up he’d appreciate. I was shocked but I didn’t show it.

I reached for my wallet but guess what? It’s not there. I had forgotten it at the office. Sijawahi toa jasho jembamba hivyo. And the dude is just staring at me expecting me to save the day. Zile za like waah sasa tutado? So I call Carol she’s mteja. I call Joan she doesn’t pick. Finally when I thought all is lost, Carol calls back and bails us out. Imagine ningeosha vyombo. Ama ningelala ndani. But tell me why this was such a turn off? 1k for a date? Eh never again. Sitaki aibu tena. Every gentleman knows they have to plan for everything including where he’ll take me on the first date. I made sure I blocked his number and never talked to him again.’

This sparks up a discussion among the group of friends who were out for drinks on a Sunday evening.

‘Mimi before I leave the house I ask you what plans you have for us for the day. I want an intiniery. If I see you’re just going to waste my time. Ati let’s go out for coffee or milkshake or sijui ice cream, I’m not leaving the house. I’m dressing up to go drink an espresso which I can gladly make at home. Ati we go to chicken Inn or KFC. Acha jokes.’

‘Yow, you’ve said chicken Inn and you’ve brought back memories. One time while in my final year campus. This dude tells me we meet for lunch. He’s like ten years older plus working so I’m like this is the one. I’ve finally found my soulmate. Like he’s older what’s the worst that could happen. Plus everyone of my friends dating an older gent seemed to have it good in life. Getting flowers and champagne delivered to the hostel. They’d been bought for the latest Xperia. Some even had cars. Kufika tao dude is like I’m sorry, I’m broke, I only have four hundred shillings.’

This kinda caught me by surprise and I was wondering why I had even come. He then proceeded to tell me we’ll go to his favorite place, Chicken Inn and each of us will order two chicken pieces. Then it was still 100 per piece. I wasn’t impressed but since I had come all the way I had no other option. Date went on well and at the end of the day he was like I should go to his place the next day for sex.

I’m hesitant and like nah you need to put in more effort. The next weekend he hits me up and takes me to the same spot. Only difference this time is he orders five pieces of chicken, some homefries, soda and ice cream from Creamy Inn. Then he scouted for a spot on those lounge chairs and we spent the night canoodling while watching some you tube videos. He was pretty smooth and me being young I thought it was a good date. So I agreed to go to his place for the night.

Come morning and its time I head back to hostel. Tunafika stage dude anawika he’s forgotten money for fare at home. So I pay for transport. Tukifika tao he takes me to a pharmacy to buy P2 which I pay with my own money again. Mark you I’m in campus, I’m practically broke at the end of the day. I had to wait till Wednesday for my dad to give me pocket money. I dumped him after that. Show a man that you’re understanding and he’ll take advantage of you like nobody’s business. If you want to take me on a date, I don’t expect it, but it’ll be good if you cater for all my bills including for uber to and fro. Plus fast food places are a hard pass.’

‘Chill guys, this one time I went on a date with one of my homeboys. You know that guy everyone finds sexy and hot thus a catch. So I knew I’d have bragging rights. Tunafika date Steers and guess what he tells me, ati babes niko broke usikule sana, then he proceeded to order Wacky Wednesday. That cheap ass buy one get one free burger plus pet soda. He gave me a serviette to put my burger yeye akakula kwa box. Total I think we spent 350 and he still complained that it was too much. This was way back in 2009/10 hapo. I was pissed when I went back to my room later on that night. What is ati ‘usikule sana’. Alinitoa out of the comfort of my house to go to nonsense. That was the last time I dated campus guys or any one my age mate. Every time it’s ‘I’m broke, I’m broke’. Kwani hata date huwezi afford. I used to see girls gawk over him I get irritated. Yenyewe kwa hii dunia kuwa tu na sura. You’ll get everything you want without trying.’

‘BTW show a man you accept crumbs and that’s all you’ll get. Halafu those breadcrumbers like rushing stuff. One cheap date and you’re now his girlfriend because you don’t ask for too much. First year in campus, this dude I’d met via fb asks us to meet for Terrific Tuesday. I’m like cool but I have classes so we meet Thursday for the same date. So we talk on phone, he brags how he works for World Bank and I’m like cool whatever. Thursday comes mi najua naenda date ya pizza. We meet in town and dude with all his bragging looks dusty af with a really musty breath. I was grossed out but decided to play it cool.

Guess what instead of ordering pizza he goes to creamy Inn and orders two strawberry milkshakes. The cheapest in the menu. Then they were two hundred shillings. After the date he’s like he wants to see me again and I’m like no thanks TF. On fb he was such a cockblocker, I post something and he replies as if he’s my boyfriend. I had to block him.’

‘You know what, somehow you’ve reminded me of a chic I used to date while working sales. That job was so tiring. It was an 8-6, standing for more than eight hours with only a one hour break for lunch and tea break. Plus I was at work six days a week. Then this baddie chic of mine says she wants me to take her out. Me I want to stay indoors; rest, recuperate, meal plan, catch up on some movies plus do my laundry. Trust me it’s not that I didn’t want, it’s just that my free day was already planned. We argued a lot due to this. She kept saying Netflix and Chill is not an actual date, I should try harder. Ati not everytime we meet it should be sex tu. I understood her and that is why I had to let her go. Job haiwezi nipea pressure na pia dame anakuja huku na zake. My rest day is very important. Plus if the little don’t satisfy you, then the ‘most’ definitely won’t either.’

‘Let me tell you something Brian, something that I’ve slowly come to learn. You see that phrase, ‘if a guy wanted to he would’, perfectly describes that situation. You remember when you met Joan and you were willing to do everything for her. Including taking an uber past midnight to deliver her favorite snacks because cramps were killing her? Why didn’t you give her the same excuse, that you were tired from work, or you got a lot on your plate or your day is already planned. Either that experience was a lesson or she just wasn’t the one. Men move mountains for women they love. Even planning something as small as a picnic just because, goes a long way. You just wasn’t feeling her.’

‘Ebu you chics kwanza learn to speak up, if you don’t tell us men how do you expect us to know. You want to know my worst date. I went on Tinder to look for hot babes. So my eyes noticed this brownskin pengting and I invite her over for sex. We went rounds yow! She had stamina. Morning comes and she asks me to pay. I’m like for what? She’s like for the sex. I didn’t want any drama so I pay her 2k. Anasema ni kidogo for five rounds of sex plus anal. I add 2k more. Sikurudi Tinder tena. Apparently that’s what people do nowadays. You hit up a chic, set a prize y’all hook up. It’s more of a hook up than a dating site.’

‘BTW how do y’all just invite random chics to your crib. Hamuogopi kuibiwa? Ndio maana mnashinda mmewekewa mchele. Anyway Tinder also brings up memories. Sometime back I went for an away game at an Airbnb. Dude was in town, had seen my pictures and liked what he saw. Problem is he thought I was this hippy, busty, assy chic. Kumbe ni ma enhancers mi huvaa. So kufika kwa nyumba he starts initiating sex. I’m like no first order food coz I’m hungry. All this time I’m wondering how i’ll remove my hip enlarging pants and the fake silicones on my boobs. So I tell him we’ll eat first then have sex later. When food was delivered and he went to pick it I quickly removed my fakeness nikazitupa chini ya bed. I had a clutch bag so si kuwa na option. Ebu wacheni kunicheka.

Morning I woke up before him and dressed up. Told him I had an early morning class. How did we have sex without him noticing my assets were fake? I told him to switch off the lights since I’m shy. Btw cheers to all gentlemen, plus fake it till you make it. All I had to do was go to the gym and do some squats.’

‘Yow y’all chics are crazy. But you’ve taken me down memory lane. Back when I was into chips funga I took home a random from the club. Don’t look at me like that please. We arrived home drunk as fuck, smoked some weed, fucked while high, smoked some more, fucked some more till she passed out. I covered her and in the middle of the night I was woken up by some wetness. I feel around and my palm lands on some liquid. I smell it and couldn’t believe it. Nikaakisha stima nikaona chic had peed on my bed. Na beddings zangu were fresh from being laundered. I wake her up, we remove the wet sheets. She sleeps on the couch na mimi kwa some throw pillows. Morning she washes the dirty laundry, nikampeleka stage and that was it, deleted her number.’

‘Eish Mark na uko mstrict. Si at least aliosha. Juu mimi ningesema oopsie na niende tu home since we’re not dating anyways. Ebu twende dance floor. We have like one more hour before home time.’

‘Before we go break a leg let me share something I did that you guys will kinda say I was an A-Hole. So sometime back, in my younger years, I met this sexy sexy lady. She was Kamba but looked Rwandese. Eh that woman was hot. Soft curly natural hair. Hippy and assy with thighs to match. She loved wearing those apple bottom jeans that shaped her ass so well with ankle boots. You know like in that famous song. She was bottom heavy, so she had small boobs, a nice small waist, a long slender neck and a face that’d make any goddess envious. Full lips with her cupids bow being so prominent, shaped like a heart topped with those big beautiful innocent eyes, wueh. When I say she was sexy best believe. Halafu her skin tone *whistles*. Deep brown and rich. She smelled like shea and cocoa butter whipped with lavender essential oils. Her name was Judith. I loved the fact that alikuwa na maringo, how she carried herself. Not any man had access to her. The kind you have to work hard to get. The kind that knew her worth and would never settle for less. I pursued her, she kept curving me. I flaunted my money, showed her I was willing to give her the world. She always rejected me. Saying that she has a boyfriend and it wouldn’t be fair to just leave. I didn’t care. I didn’t expect a chic that looked like that to be single anyway.

But the problem with women with strict standards is they never budge. Sijui aliona mimi ni player I’ll waste her time. Because I was even willing to be her side dude. So she tells me, she’s got a friend, who looks exactly like her she’d hook us up. I was like, another you? Why not. So the date was set, and this is the reason why I hate blind dates. Imagine having to hide your shock, hide my disgust at what stood before me. Her friend looked nothing like her. She was very short, fat, shapeless and her boobs reached her waistline. That’s not all, ebu you guys quit laughing. Her make up was horrible. Her gold eyeshadow was everywhere on her face plus her red lipstick was bleeding all over her thin lips. She insisted on hugging me yet I could smell her sweat from miles away. She looked like those wamama wa harrier but the mwitu version. I was very embarrassed to be seen with her in public but I was gentleman enough not to say it. I actually gassed her up by saying her friend hadn’t lied and had done a good job of hooking us up. Halafu alishinda ameniringia vile ako na perfume that her aunt had bought from Dubai. And…wait for it, she had the whole bottle, not a decant, in her bag. Perfume yenyewe ilikuwa White Tea, that famous one. And it’s such a cheapie nilikuwa nashangaa anaringa nini. I could have bought her five more if she didn’t insist on spraying it throughout the date. That scent, mixed in with her sweat, mahn I wanted to puke. To date I don’t like that perfume.

And that chic could talk. The entire date her mouth was open. Talking with food in her mouth, talking while drinking, talking while having dessert. Na si conversation za maana, sijui Big Brother, sijui Pop Idols, mara si soap operas, trips to Vasha. Hata hamezi mate, it was one story after another. At the end of the date, I dropped her home. Two week later Judith calls me. Asking me why I had ghosted her friend. I asked her hizo ni nini she hooked me up with. She blocked my number after our conversation. Sijui mbona but I felt as if I had fumbled. I now no longer had access to her even the little that she gave me. She even blocked me on FB just because I refused to go out with her friend. Eh hawa wasichana wastrict si mchezo..’

‘Or maybe Collo, just maybe. She saw a chance of not having to engage with you ever again and took it. Speaking of fumbling and beautiful women. Years back, after my undergrad I had the opportunity to pick or rather choose between two fine women. One was younger by like two years. In second year campus and this chic was beautiful. You see how Collo has described his Judith, same bro. This chic had eyes that could peep deep into your soul. Big, brown and sparkly. She was beautiful. The older one came with such grace and maturity that was to be admired. She was beautiful too with a nice hourglass shape and could handle herself pretty well. We barely fought and our issues were handled amicably. We’d spend hours on conspiracy theories and horror movies. And boy could she whip up a mean meal. But the younger one was the opposite. We quarrelled a lot. She was always looking for issues where there was none. She demanded for upkeep money, plus airtime, plus money for uber whenever she was to visit. She never cooked but her sex, her sex was amazing. Me and my pals nicknamed her ‘honeypot’. She was always horny. Remember guys, I was fresh out of campus, broke but still somehow gave her all the little money I had. So guess who I picked between the two?

If you guessed the younger one you’re right. You know how us men love problems. But first I had to break up with the older woman. Then I did something I regret to date. I asked her to refund the money I had given her during the weekend. Si I needed funds to continue impressing my money hungry girfriend. When it hit my mpesa, I broke up with her the next day. I think that’s the biggest bitch move I have ever pulled. Especially since she had always been kind to me. Anyway, I wanted to post my youngin for the longest time and now I had the chance. Everyone was patting me on the back for pulling such a beautiful woman. But behind closed doors premium tears. We fought a lot. She wanted us to go out, have some drinks, me I can’t. I have strict parents and she knew this. She started requesting for more money. I didn’t have, I had already given her all I had but she wasn’t satisfied. I even turned to borrowing my friends, just ask Mark. Na bado. By the end of the year she had dumped me. Apparently I was too broke and boring. Come to think of it that woman didn’t really love me. She was just there for the material benefits. I used to even tie her shoe laces and help her remove her shoes when she visited. That was the last time I behaved like such a simp.

Then I remembered my older woman. She had levelled up since I last talked to her. She got a job in a well paying NGO and was now engaged. I could only sit and envy her life. That could have been me if I hadn’t chosen cheap thrills over a meaningful connection. One of my biggest fumbles to date. I wanted to reach out several times but the embarrassment I feel bro. Wacha tu.’

‘We all got that one that got away, Job. Even us women. Your youngin is probably out there too thinking of how she fumbled you, you know. Anyway, we only appreciate them once they’re gone. I don’t think we have much time left. Let’s finish our drinks then we leave. Tutarudi next week majaliwa.’